love’s casket

love?
I shuddered when he said the word
I used to know love
back when I knew pain

I tried love then
and love served me well
for a time
until I let love carry me away

then love
right when I felt highest
let me fall
and I broke

love stayed with me
claiming to nurse my wounds
rubbing on ointments
that felt like salt

I pushed love away
and without my feeding love
or encouraging love
love died

I laid love to rest
buried love
in a casket
under the ground

“so you see”
I told him
“I no longer know love
love is dead to me”

dead to you is different from simply dead
he said
“perhaps love is only waiting
to be awakened”

could it be
that love had been buried alive
and that it might
still live?

I was afraid
who wants to dig up a casket
in hopes of finding a living soul
only to discover a corpse?

he left me alone
he couldn’t dig it up for me
this was my task
my choice

I sat at the graveside
as I watched the sun set
and before leaving
peeled back some of the turf near the headstone

the next morning I returned
with a shovel
and began to dig
trying not to wonder what I would uncover

as the sun rose
my sweat and tears
turned me into a muddy mess
I stopped digging at noon

my shovel scraped wood
and my whole being throbbed
I could not go on
so I sat and stared at love’s casket

until it began to rain
and the water from above
rinsed me clean
of all the grime of the work

I watched it pool on the exposed wood
mesmerized by the concentric ripples
running into each other
and off the edge

the water finished the job
I had begun
and love’s casket
lay fully exposed

I took it up
still afraid to open it alone
and took it to him
a gift

a sad gift
perhaps nothing
but a moldy box
full of rotted memories

I couldn’t watch
as he pried open the lid
but as it gave way
I couldn’t take my eyes off him

and when his love met mine
my love began to revive
like mouth to mouth CPR
simultaneously intimate and dangerous

it hurt
but after knowing
the paralysis of self-protection
I found that the pain of living is unparalleled

after the tears {spoken word guest post}

a beautiful spoken word testimony from my dear friend and sister Moriah
many thanks to her for allowing me to share it with my readers
her poetic voice is beautiful and strong and touching
play the video to let her reach out and touch you

six months in to “lovein2015”

on January first of this year, I shared my word for the year
what have I learned thus far?

To love at all is to be vulnerable.
~C.S. Lewis

these words of C.S. Lewis sum up and describe my experiences
when I look back on what I have tagged “lovein2015” a pattern emerges

I have become sensitive to both the freedom and necessity of love
whether walking to work or remembering lost loved ones

I have likewise become keenly aware of my own fear
how, in the name of self-protection, I keep love hidden

I have learned that love is often synonymous with vulnerability
love may be a great risk but it’s more risky not to love

I have six more months to love in 2015…the question is: will I?
or will I fear vulnerability and shy away from love?

perspective from a sailboat

Inspired by the song Sailboat, by Ben Rector

I’m on a sailboat

trapped, water surrounding me

water surrounding me with beauty

alone in the silence

enjoying the peace of solitude

insecure, unsure of where I’m drifting

drifting along, excited to see where I end up

no oars to fight the direction the wind takes me

blessed surrender, carried along by the wind

who knows what I’m headed toward?

God knows where I’m going

exposed to the elements

soaking in the mist and the breeze