I cannot grasp love

I have read 1 Corinthians 13
a list of accomplishments
that mean little without love
and thought the problem was simply a matter of order

Surely one still needed
to do those things
but only after mastering
the art of love

Maybe that’s true
but what I’ve learned
in a year defined by love
is that love isn’t easily mastered

The more I learn love the less I can grasp it
The more I experience it the less I understand it
The more I look for ways to love the less I feel I’m loving enough
The more I let people love me the less deserving I feel

But

The less I worry about deserving love the more I accept it
The less I worry about loving enough the more ways I find to love
The less I worry about understanding love the more I can simply experience it
The less I worry about grasping love the more it holds on to me

Because Love
is a Person
an example to emulate
not a skill to be mastered

Because when one becomes caught up in Love
all those things
the ones that really matter
come naturally

Because 1 Corinthians 13
isn’t about accomplishments
it’s about love
the only thing that lasts

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pushy notifications

good morning, time to check the phone
see what I missed while I was sleeping
doesn’t matter if it’s overcast or sunny
my phone lights up by itself

throughout the day I never worry
I won’t miss out on the social media scene while distracted with life
my friends tag and @mention me
and my phone tells me each time

in the middle of something
phone dings and vibrates too
to make sure I don’t miss any notification
I’ll either hear or feel it

all day

I either hear or feel it
I don’t miss notifications, but I do miss life
phone dinging and vibrating
in the middle of everything

and my phone tells me each time
my friends are stupid or clever
and while I’m distracted with the social media scene, I miss out on life
I worry my days will pass me by

I decide to darken my phone
now I notice the clouds and the sun and…
see what I’ve missed while in a phone-coma
good morning, time to set down the phone

what I wouldn’t give for a rainy day

I should have rehung the curtains last week
the sunlight makes it impossible to sleep
impossible to shut out the world and forget
I don’t need the rest – I slept all night –
I need the escape

what I wouldn’t give for a rainy day
why can’t the sky reflect the gloominess inside?

the light streams through broken blinds
piercing the darkness in my soul
and making me bleed tears

I bury myself in blankets
but that only lasts a few minutes
the sun is not only light, it is also warmth

what I wouldn’t give for a winter storm
why can’t the weather abet the chill of my icy heart?

I need to get out
I wish it were possible to vacate my head
impossible – so I vacate my bed instead
sullenly, I retrieve and hang the curtains
then, not so sullenly, I wander outside

the acquaintance of darkness and Light

I do not flirt with the darkness
that would be folly, for I know its power

I do not quail at the darkness
that would be cowardice, for I know its weakness

I do not hide in the darkness
that would be despair, for I know its seduction

No
though I am all too well acquainted with the darkness
I will not be seduced by its power
nor deceived into passivity by its weakness
because I am also well acquainted with the Light

I am no defeatist, for I know this seduction
is exposed by the Light

I am no coward, for I know that weakness
becomes strength in the Light

I am no fool, for I know the power
of the romance of the Light

saving a life

{inspired by a true story, names changed for privacy}

for Carl, saving a life was very hands-on
holding the gashes on Shea’s wrists shut
while the paramedics rushed
much, much too slowly
to her side

I was tempted to think he must be lying
not because I didn’t believe him
but because I didn’t want
the awful story
to be true

but the misery in his eyes made it clear:
although he too wished it were not true
the dreadful fact was
she attempted to
end her life

he was there
and because he was
she survived another day
and another, and then another
at this point in the story his eyes got brighter

every day
she wanted to die
but chose to live life instead
he helped her to begin to believe
the awful story could (and would) be redeemed

at her side
slowly, but surely
as the scars on her wrists healed
she learned to cling to hope, love, and faith
for Shea, saving a life was very hands-on